Everyone Except Noah Goes Swimming

Genesis 6-9 provide us with an example of what all geologists call "catastrophism" and what real geologists call "impossible."

Apparently everyone except Noah and his family was into short pants and Jason Derulo, so God decided that the best way to fix the problem would be to drown everyone on the planet. Except Noah, because he
"[didn't] listen to that mainstream crap."

This was my reaction to Derulo's bastardized version of "Hide and Seek."

God gave Noah plans for a boat that was roughly not the size of the Titanic, and yet big enough to contain a mating pair of every animal species on earth. I did a quick Google search and discovered that there are anywhere between 3 and 30 million species currently in existence. Most of them are bugs and stuff, but that's  still plenty to fill a relatively small boat.

"But Clark! Housecats are just one species with different variations!" "Shut up, God created everything exactly as it is."

Anyways, Noah started to build the thing, and all of his friends made fun of him. I remember my Sunday School teacher telling me that it hadn't rained (like ever) prior to the flood, which seems suspect to me. Regardless, it was probably pretty funny, since Noah lived in a desert.

According to some racists fundamentalists, Ham was black, and his curse (he walked in on his dad once or something) was used as an excuse for slavery. 

So Noah built his dingy and got all the animals/food for the animals/fresh water for the animals/his family on board. It began to rain, and everything died. There are a few pesky laws of physics that just won't cooperate here, but God is all-powerful, so it's mostly a moot point.

Too much of a good thing for the poor trees.

Eventually, after 40 days, God decided that everything was dead enough. But he decided not to inform Noah, and Noah sent some birds to go and find a live branch from one of the trees that were crushed by 9km deep water.

We made Ham kill them.

A phrase than needs to be taken behind the barn and shot.

They finally ran aground on Mt. Ararat beside some aliens. God said that the rainbow was a promise to never flood the earth again, but he left himself plenty of loopholes.

There is also no building material other than the boat, no fresh water, no genetic diversity, and no hope.

I feel like lack of genetic diversity is in part responsible for people still believing that this actually happened.