Abraham and the Almost Shanking of Isaac

Today's story is found in Genesis 22:1-18.

So some background; Abraham married his half-sister Sarah and they got all sad because they couldn't have babies (which was, in keeping with Biblical tradition, apparently the woman's fault). They got really old, and then God says to them "yo, I'm going to give you quasi-incestuous seniors a kid, because that isn't a recipe for some sort of birth defect." They were pretty stoked about this for some reason.

Flash forward a few chapters, and God decides that he wants to test Abraham's faith. He decides to do this in such a way as to give 21st century fundamentalists shock value when they say "I would sacrifice my kid if God asked me to."

I find fundamentalists who complain about gay parents adopting children hilarious in a sad sort of way.

So God says to Abraham "take your only son and shank him and then burn him." Abraham wasn't super jazzed about the idea, but I mean, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, right?

So Abraham took Isaac and somehow got him strapped down to an altar. I can't imagine that Isaac was very old, or maybe Abraham explained the situation to him rationally. The point is, Abraham gets him tied up and then whips out this sweet butterfly knife and nearly goes all Hit Girl on his only child. 

It's a little known fact that Lot founded Children's Aid after Abraham told this story at their family Christmas.

Honey, I have some bad news... You know God? Well, he just told me...

God is still catching up on "Lost." Oh wait, that's me. I think that bandwagon is rusting in a field somewhere.

So anyways, Isaac wasn't sacrificed and his descendants eventually slaughtered the Amalekites, a lovely story which I will discuss at length later.